An Anniversary and an Experiment

So as of last week, I've been doing Weight Watchers for a year. I've lost about 70 pounds, which is nice, and in an extremely unlikely event, have become a fitness nut, which is thrilling.

But I've been struggling lately. As much as I believe it's unhealthy for me to worry about food, to feel guilty about overeating, I still do. It's a stressful situation. I can tell myself that it's okay to eat what I want, that I'll still be working out, that I'll be eating healthier things later, that it's not the end of the world if I gain a pound, but I can't really turn off the other voice. The one who says I'm sabotaging my weight loss efforts when I eat cookies, that I'm still fat and look horrible, that I should be making healthier food choices.

I've always had only two rules for myself. One was that I would record my Weight Watchers points as accurately as I could. Always. It was okay to eat whatever I wanted in whatever quantity I wanted, but I had to record it. For most of the last twelve months, that has been really helpful. I actually find it comforting to write down a number after I overeat, even if the number is huge. It's just a number. I start over with daily points the next day and with weekly points the next week. I earn more points every time I work out. I haven't killed any puppies, I just ate a lot of points. No one cares but me.

Only for some reason, over the last few weeks, it's been causing a lot of anxiety. I hate that I sometimes debate over a breakfast that's one or two points higher than another or over whether or not to eat a piece of fruit because I'm thinking about how many points I have left. How ridiculous is that? Deep down, I don't believe it's ever a bad idea to eat a bunch of grapes or a bowl of oatmeal with peanut butter.


My other rule is No Angst. So when recording points, worrying about points, started to cause me angst, I had to decide which was a bigger rule. I decided No Angst. So as an experiment, I'm not recording or thinking about points. My goal is to do everything pretty much the same except without the anxiety. My exercise routine will be the same because it makes me happy, I will still go to Weight Watchers meetings and get weighed and will still weigh myself at home. I will keep eating basically as I've been eating, except without recording anything. I'm going to see what happens for about a month. If I find that I'm steadily gaining weight, I'll reassess. If my weight stays the same, I'm okay with that for now. If I lose weight, even if it's more slowly than I have been, I'll be thrilled. It's been almost a week so far and I am feeling optimistic about it. I am definitely less anxious around food and don't think I'm eating any more than I was before. I've lost a pound. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

New Year's Bacon

I began the year this morning with bacon. It seemed the thing to do. Because I want my year to have bacon in it. And also cashmere, so that's what I'm wearing. These things feel symbolic -- creating the kind of life I want, the kind of luxuries I think I deserve, in the coming year. It's nicer than resolutions. We all know that resolutions beget failure and guilt and I am so anti failure and guilt. The closest I came to a real New Year's Resolution was sometime around Rosh Hashona a couple years ago I swore never to accept another plastic bag. I have kept to it and am pleased. But there was no emotional baggage (excuse me) attached to that decision and it didn't stink of "self-improvement." We don't need to improve ourselves, we need to figure out how to live better and happier lives. For me, bacon and cashmere are part of that. So are strength training and yoga and soup with kale. So is spending time with people I love and being kind as often as I am able. So is avoiding plastic bags and other disposable things. So if I were to resolve, I would resolve to remember what makes me feel good and do it more often.

Wishing anyone out there a joyful 2009.