Trust

My goal for this week, (because, yeah, I do kind of have goals even though I try to be mellow about them) is to not gain more than a pound. After a few days of eating with abandon, I seem to have swung back to a more moderate place yesterday, and I have been working out as much as ever. I'm going to my trainer's class this afternoon. My weight fluctuates from day to day, but I go by my Weight Watchers weigh ins on Monday evenings. Right now I'm at about the same place as last week, so if the next couple days go well, I might even lose. Every single time this happens -- I eat in a way that feels out of control for awhile and then I work my way back to a place that feels better -- I am relieved to have made it back and comforted that it hasn't really damaged my efforts to lose weight. I feel almost, almost but not quite able to trust it.

As I wrote on Thursday, I am trying to banish the voice that tells me eating a lot of crap is bad. And part of that is about the fact that it's not bad. Bacon has no ethical value attached to it. Eating bacon isn't like torturing puppies or cheating on taxes or even driving a car. Gaining weight isn't bad. Nor is being fat. I'm working on that. But I also recognize that I am trying to lose weight. I want to lose weight. It's not necessary, it's not the right thing to do, it's not me doing good. It's something I want. So the other piece of banishing The Voice is trusting that a little setback like a craving for pizza or two parties in two days at which I choose to eat delicious food, does not derail my efforts to lose weight. It doesn't put back the 65 pounds I've lost, it doesn't take away my remarkable biceps, and it doesn't mean I will be eating that way forever. And even though I've seen it happen time and time again, I apparently don't quite trust it yet because I am still feeling that relief when I make it to the other side.

Voices in my Head

That said, regarding the bacon, I have been indulging in not so healthy foods a lot this week. I ate too many cookies on Monday (Trader Joe's Peppermint Joe's O's, which are entirely irresistible.) On Tuesday I ate pizza for dinner and gingerbread with whipped cream for dessert. Wednesday I ate leftover pizza for lunch and some cookies and later lasagna and all sorts of other delicious heavy things at a dinner party. It's funny to listen to my internal monologue while making decisions about what to eat. A voice says to make healthier choices and then another says to go ahead and eat what I want because thus far, that has worked out pretty well for me, has left me feeling indulged, not deprived, and then allows me to go back to healthy stuff. The first voice comes back then to say perhaps I should feel badly about what I've eaten and perhaps I should make extra healthy choices now, since yesterday didn't go so well. Voice two tells me that kind of thinking leads to feelings of obligation and guilt and that doesn't work for me. It tells me to eat bacon for breakfast because that's actually a good way to start the year. It tells me that I am happy in the grand scheme of things and that I am looking forward to my next workout. It tells me that the brunch I'm going to in a little while will offer more treats and that it will be just fine for me to eat them because after that, life goes back to normal and I'll be buying and cooking my own food and most of it will be delicious and healthy.

I love the second voice and I wish I could live without the first. I'm grateful to have come to a place that allows me to see that the first voice is unhealthy. I used to believe that the first voice was Right. I believed it had my best interest at heart and that by not listening to it, I was sabotaging myself. I know now not to listen to it, but I don't know how to make it go away. I wish I could recognize that I'm eating a lot of junk this week and truly, purely not worry about it. For now I will have to at least embrace my desire not to worry about it.

New Year's Bacon

I began the year this morning with bacon. It seemed the thing to do. Because I want my year to have bacon in it. And also cashmere, so that's what I'm wearing. These things feel symbolic -- creating the kind of life I want, the kind of luxuries I think I deserve, in the coming year. It's nicer than resolutions. We all know that resolutions beget failure and guilt and I am so anti failure and guilt. The closest I came to a real New Year's Resolution was sometime around Rosh Hashona a couple years ago I swore never to accept another plastic bag. I have kept to it and am pleased. But there was no emotional baggage (excuse me) attached to that decision and it didn't stink of "self-improvement." We don't need to improve ourselves, we need to figure out how to live better and happier lives. For me, bacon and cashmere are part of that. So are strength training and yoga and soup with kale. So is spending time with people I love and being kind as often as I am able. So is avoiding plastic bags and other disposable things. So if I were to resolve, I would resolve to remember what makes me feel good and do it more often.

Wishing anyone out there a joyful 2009.