An Anniversary and an Experiment

So as of last week, I've been doing Weight Watchers for a year. I've lost about 70 pounds, which is nice, and in an extremely unlikely event, have become a fitness nut, which is thrilling.

But I've been struggling lately. As much as I believe it's unhealthy for me to worry about food, to feel guilty about overeating, I still do. It's a stressful situation. I can tell myself that it's okay to eat what I want, that I'll still be working out, that I'll be eating healthier things later, that it's not the end of the world if I gain a pound, but I can't really turn off the other voice. The one who says I'm sabotaging my weight loss efforts when I eat cookies, that I'm still fat and look horrible, that I should be making healthier food choices.

I've always had only two rules for myself. One was that I would record my Weight Watchers points as accurately as I could. Always. It was okay to eat whatever I wanted in whatever quantity I wanted, but I had to record it. For most of the last twelve months, that has been really helpful. I actually find it comforting to write down a number after I overeat, even if the number is huge. It's just a number. I start over with daily points the next day and with weekly points the next week. I earn more points every time I work out. I haven't killed any puppies, I just ate a lot of points. No one cares but me.

Only for some reason, over the last few weeks, it's been causing a lot of anxiety. I hate that I sometimes debate over a breakfast that's one or two points higher than another or over whether or not to eat a piece of fruit because I'm thinking about how many points I have left. How ridiculous is that? Deep down, I don't believe it's ever a bad idea to eat a bunch of grapes or a bowl of oatmeal with peanut butter.


My other rule is No Angst. So when recording points, worrying about points, started to cause me angst, I had to decide which was a bigger rule. I decided No Angst. So as an experiment, I'm not recording or thinking about points. My goal is to do everything pretty much the same except without the anxiety. My exercise routine will be the same because it makes me happy, I will still go to Weight Watchers meetings and get weighed and will still weigh myself at home. I will keep eating basically as I've been eating, except without recording anything. I'm going to see what happens for about a month. If I find that I'm steadily gaining weight, I'll reassess. If my weight stays the same, I'm okay with that for now. If I lose weight, even if it's more slowly than I have been, I'll be thrilled. It's been almost a week so far and I am feeling optimistic about it. I am definitely less anxious around food and don't think I'm eating any more than I was before. I've lost a pound. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

My Sundress

I always wear the same thing to my Weight Watchers meeting -- it takes away a small variable and I like to keep things as stable as possible so only my actual body weight changes. Since it got warm enough it's been a JJill linen sun-dress that I bought on eBay this spring. At my meeting last night my leader mentioned that it's getting too big for me. It's true, and pleases me to no end. But I love it and am going to wear it as often as I can while it's still summer. I'll buy smaller clothes in the fall. It's gratifying to find that my clothes are too big, and much more gratifying to find clothes that have been too small for me for over a year are now fitting perfectly. But it's also hard to give up things I love and expensive to replace them. Especially since I plan to keep needing smaller sizes.

I've become one of those people

I get up at 5:45 most mornings and go to the gym. And I love it. It's what makes me want to get out of bed. Seriously. Being motivated to exercise is kind of unfamiliar to me. I have never been entirely sedentary -- I love to walk; I have been swimming and practicing yoga sporadically for years; I even took up running a couple years ago and went so far as to participate in a 5K (miserably, and very slowly). But even though I enjoyed all those activities, it was always a chore to make myself do them. I would shoot for three or four days a week and spend all day in discussion with myself about whether or not this was a work-out day. I liked the exercise but hated deciding to do it.

Weight Watchers does this Pavlovian thing where you can trade activity points for food points. So I started out walking a little more than I used to so I could have another snack. It somehow evolved into me going to the gym five mornings a week and hiring a personal trainer. Go figure.

The turning point was the difference between five days a week and three. At three, I had to fight with myself about doing it. At five, it's part of my routine, and my body is so used to it that I feel antsy when I'm not moving. I also remember how good I feel after working out so I go to the gym as a treat -- the way I might have eaten ice cream as a treat several months ago. Seriously, I hate myself a little bit for saying this shit -- who can stand the person who says, "No really, working out is a comfort just like pizza is?" But I seem to be becoming that person.

I have more energy. I stress less about what I eat because I know I'm working some of it off (though I don't eat a lot more -- I don't trade in my points very often). And I seem to be getting in better shape, which is oddly more gratifying than losing weight. This week on the treadmill I noticed that when I do intervals of running and walking, my running intervals are faster and longer and my heart rate doesn't go up as high.

I hope I don't somehow fall out of this habit. More than anything I fear my own ability to stop doing what's good for me.

Supporting the Diet Industry

I have a serious problem with the diet industry. I believe they're making gazillions of dollars by making people (mostly women) feel bad about themselves. I also believe they're setting people up to fail so that they'll come back and spend even more money. I hate the success stories that are all about how disgusting someone looked before and how she's a whole different person now. I hate how the success stories always state in teeny tiny print that those results are not typical. I hate to give my money to companies that do shit like that.

And yet. I joined Weight Watchers. There are some things I hate about it -- most notably the politics of the industry -- and also some things that are really working for me. I'm trying my best to use what tools are helpful and still do my own thing.
What I like:

• Getting weighed, officially, once a week
• My leader (more on him later)
• The online tools (looking up foods, calculating points from my recipes, etc...)
• Counting Points (isn't that freaky -- I thought I would hate this, but I don't. More on that, too)
• It inspired me to get more exercise, which has changed my life more than losing weight is.

What I don't like:

• That I'm supporting the evil diet industry
• That the food they sell is total processed crap in small portions and they pretend it's good for you because it's low in "Points"
• Most of the other leaders I've encountered
• The "success stories" that make people sound like they were disgusting losers before they joined Weight Watchers

What makes me feel like I made the right decision to join is that I ended up with my leader instead of someone else. My leader is gay, Jewish, in his 50's, entirely un-perky. He tells stories about his mother hiding food from him when he was a child. He never uses catch-phrases. He rarely gets to the Weight Watchers assigned weekly topics. I adore him. I wish he was my friend.

The first leader I encountered had been working for Weight Watchers full time for about thirty years. She was drinking the sugar-free Kool Aid, big time. In discussing how to deal with celebrations -- your own birthday, for instance -- she pulled out a Weight Watchers cookbook and pointed to a chocolate cake recipe. She asked us to guess why a slice was only, I don't remember how many points -- 2? 3? I was thinking, less sugar? whole wheat flour? eggless? The answer was: a serving size is approximately two bites. So she's trying to sell a cookbook based on its serving sizes. Fucked up. I drove across town to get away from her.

Once my leader (across town, and completely worth the drive) missed a meeting and our substitute made me want to play corporate bingo. She kept saying "your weight loss journey" and smiling too big. She said that at the end of the summer "there should be less of us." I walked out.

Another time he was gone, our substitute handed out plastic sun-visors.

I got really lucky.

And so, I let them charge me every month so that I can go to meetings and be weighed and count Points on my computer. Did I sell out?