Hibernation

I've been thinking about bears a lot this week. I am envious of the fur coat, the full belly, and the cozy cave in which to sleep for several months. It is dark and it is cold and I want to hibernate. I believe that's a natural urge. I believe in living, eating, resting seasonally. But I have to live in the world. It's hard to balance.

I usually eat a snack around 11:30 and have lunch at 2:00. On Tuesday, I ate the snack I'd brought to work at 11:30 and then ate most of the lunch I'd brought. At 2:00, I went out and got more lunch. For dinner I ate a whole small pizza. I really needed to keep eating. The rest of the week, I've tried to plan around being a bottomless pit. I have brought extra but healthy snacks to work -- some stir-fried veggies, two apples instead of one, two bags of popcorn instead of one. My lunches have been hot, hearty food that should fill me up. It feels okay. I believe I should eat if my body is telling me to eat, and while it feels a little weird to eat so often, and to keep eating at the end of the same meal that filled me up last week, I think I've been pretty successful at not eating too much crap.

Wednesday, I never recovered from the trauma of getting out of bed. It was dark and I was comfortable and I got up anyway and went to the gym and met my trainer and spent a whole hour with him, thinking about my down comforter. I went to work thinking about my down comforter. I was ready to get into bed the minute I got home (but had to eat first, because I was also ravenous). Thursday, my alarm went off at 6:00, I got up, brushed my teeth, and got back into bed and re-set my alarm for 7:30, choosing sleep over the gym. It felt like the right thing to do. It's been about seven months now that I've gotten up early and gone to the gym five days a week. This was maybe the third time I'd skipped a work-out on a day I'd planned for one. It doesn't feel lazy -- it feels like listening to my body. As I type this, it is 8:30 on Friday evening and I am planning to get into my pajamas as soon as I'm done.

I plan to sleep in tomorrow as late as my body wants and then I plan to eat a big hearty breakfast and then I plan to go to the scary class at my gym and if I need to afterward (which I usually do) I plan to lie on the couch for the rest of the afternoon.

It's a struggle. I want to rest and I don't believe that makes me lazy. I want to eat, and I don't believe that makes me gluttonous. But I still need to keep a schedule, which doesn't allow for as much rest as I want. I still want to lose weight (or not gain, at least) and that doesn't allow for eating as much as I want. I am trying to honor it -- the urge to hibernate -- but not give in to it entirely.

Right now I'm going to bed.