My Sundress

I always wear the same thing to my Weight Watchers meeting -- it takes away a small variable and I like to keep things as stable as possible so only my actual body weight changes. Since it got warm enough it's been a JJill linen sun-dress that I bought on eBay this spring. At my meeting last night my leader mentioned that it's getting too big for me. It's true, and pleases me to no end. But I love it and am going to wear it as often as I can while it's still summer. I'll buy smaller clothes in the fall. It's gratifying to find that my clothes are too big, and much more gratifying to find clothes that have been too small for me for over a year are now fitting perfectly. But it's also hard to give up things I love and expensive to replace them. Especially since I plan to keep needing smaller sizes.

What My Body Knows

I used to do a lot of yoga. I went to a class once a week at my gym for awhile. I've been to Kripalu three times for retreats, which usually resulted in new spurts of classes when I got home, and for a while, doing yoga at home with dvds several times a week. I fell out of the habit, and then got into my new workout regime and hadn't been to a class in several months.

On Friday, I both pulled a muscle in my leg and told my trainer I wanted to be able to do push-ups, which led to a solid hour of upper body strength training. Afterward, I had to wait to take a shower because I couldn't raise my arms high enough to wash my hair. Saturday, I ached. And then I remembered yoga. I went to a class at my gym this morning and was shocked at how much more I can do now. Not only am I stronger -- Downward Dog doesn't hurt my arms, and my ankles don't scream during balancing poses (even my balance has improved a bit) -- which makes sense after two months of strength training, but I am also much more flexible. I can reach my toes in all the poses that I used to stop mid-calf. It was terribly gratifying to see the improvement, plus my muscles are all happier.

Must remember that my body likes to stretch.

Being a work in progress

I'm finding it very roller coaster-y to be in the middle of losing weight. I've lost almost 35 pounds now, which is enough to feel really different. This is especially true given that I've been working out a lot and doing strength training for the first time ever. My body is different. I feel different. I spend a lot of time lying in bed at night feeling around at my muscles in places where I wasn't able to feel muscles before. It's fascinating and thrilling.

And then sometimes I look in the mirror and remember that I'm still really fat. I'm not self-depricating here. I weigh 219 pounds, which makes me obese according to BMI charts and abnormally huge according to the fashion industry. I still have 80 or so pounds to lose. Mostly I'm not in a rush. This is a good pace -- I'm losing an average of two pounds a week, which is plenty. But it's hard to place myself. It's hard to feel where I am now while I am still and constantly changing (and of course, not changing -- I continue to be Me, which is a comfort and a delight as well as a frustration).

Kicking Ass

Back in the late 90's/early 00's, when I was watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I decided I really wanted to be able to kick ass. So I signed up for a Tae Kwon Do class and went three times before I gave up. My main problem was that my sense of balance is so poor, I couldn't stand on one foot long enough to kick. I was also generally out of shape, it was winter, and dragging myself to a fitness class after work in the snow was just not convenient enough for me at the time.

Now I get up way too early in the morning and work out at my neighborhood gym, sometimes with a personal trainer. He tortures me with balance work, which I was not expecting. I stand on one foot on a squishy foam mat and do odd things with hand-weights. And slowly, my balance is improving. And then last week, not even knowing about my Buffy/Kicking Ass/Balance fiasco, he asked if I wanted to learn to box.

Um, yes.

So today I got to put on big vinyl gloves and punch in his direction until my arms stopped working. It was damn hard work and really fun. I think I'm really going to enjoy it. Someday, I may even be able to kick someone's ass. You know, someone much smaller than me and evil enough to deserve it.

I've become one of those people

I get up at 5:45 most mornings and go to the gym. And I love it. It's what makes me want to get out of bed. Seriously. Being motivated to exercise is kind of unfamiliar to me. I have never been entirely sedentary -- I love to walk; I have been swimming and practicing yoga sporadically for years; I even took up running a couple years ago and went so far as to participate in a 5K (miserably, and very slowly). But even though I enjoyed all those activities, it was always a chore to make myself do them. I would shoot for three or four days a week and spend all day in discussion with myself about whether or not this was a work-out day. I liked the exercise but hated deciding to do it.

Weight Watchers does this Pavlovian thing where you can trade activity points for food points. So I started out walking a little more than I used to so I could have another snack. It somehow evolved into me going to the gym five mornings a week and hiring a personal trainer. Go figure.

The turning point was the difference between five days a week and three. At three, I had to fight with myself about doing it. At five, it's part of my routine, and my body is so used to it that I feel antsy when I'm not moving. I also remember how good I feel after working out so I go to the gym as a treat -- the way I might have eaten ice cream as a treat several months ago. Seriously, I hate myself a little bit for saying this shit -- who can stand the person who says, "No really, working out is a comfort just like pizza is?" But I seem to be becoming that person.

I have more energy. I stress less about what I eat because I know I'm working some of it off (though I don't eat a lot more -- I don't trade in my points very often). And I seem to be getting in better shape, which is oddly more gratifying than losing weight. This week on the treadmill I noticed that when I do intervals of running and walking, my running intervals are faster and longer and my heart rate doesn't go up as high.

I hope I don't somehow fall out of this habit. More than anything I fear my own ability to stop doing what's good for me.